Back to square one. Back to what I call 'Normal'. The same old bunch of Death-cab songs with the hint of Nada Surf and Colin Hay screaming out hopelessness of life, episodes of some new and mostly old sitcoms showing life's meaning, scribbling down some immature philosophies developed by an inexperienced mind and most of all, the over-used but still comfortable corner of my bed. Yes, back to where life used to be. And the time-out I took in between, only taught me more about the feeling I have always conceived and never understood completely-emptiness!
Now that I think about it, emptiness is the natural habitat of mine. No matter what craziness gets into me for a while and makes me happy or sad or content in some other way, after a while I am bound to be back to my emptiness. I don't choose it, but I lead my way into it. And once I am there, everything else feels like a lie or an illusion. I was never happy before, I was never sad before. And most probably I am never going to be. That's what I am.
Other than that all I have is my obsessions. Obsessions, that come and go. Makes me happy, then busy, then occupied and all of a sudden it's gone. It's over. And the worst part about loosing something dear for me is not the loss itself, but how soon they are all forgotten. Even the longest obsession I had, the one that always kept me content for months, made me happy and cheerful, will be forgotten in days time. And I will never know that I can be all that. I will not remember what I had. It's just the emptiness that would remain. I wouldn't know what I am missing.
When I lost the sight of the dearest little bliss of mine, it asked me if I'll be fine. I promised that I will. I know that I will. But sometime fine is the last thing one want to be. Do you?
Monday, November 22, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Just a nostalgic mind!
Today is 7th Oct 2010. It's 2:30 AM. In a few hours the whole Kolkata will tune in their radio and listen to the good Ole voice of Birendrakrishna Bhadra, as they have done almost all their lives. And beyond any logical explanation, it will still be able to cheer them up as always. Today is Mahalaya, the starting of Durga Pujo. The beloved season of celebration for all Bongs.
I don't usually miss Pujo. I don’t remember missing it ever since I left home and neither am I gonna miss it this year. But a certain video post of a Bangla song in one of my non-bong friend's wall led me to some of my old loved songs and a good hour of listening to them made me utterly nostalgic.
So I dived into my long lost memory to find out the feelings I have once felt with the first touch of Autumn. I think the first trace of Pujo always occurred with Sarodiya Magazines (Magazines published during Pujo) and frequent advertisement of Tantujo and Tantusree Sarees. Then every channel will start putting the face of the idol in corner of the screen. Pujo always brought happiness and expectations. Partly because of all the new clothes we received, but it was not just about it. The light, the joy, the glamor of the city. We knew they all came just once in a year and believe it or not when I was younger a year used to be much longer than it is now. It was also a time for vacation for us, since every year as the pujo came we would head to Kolkata from our village, which was around 4-5 hours of train journey away.
Memory is a very complicated thing. It often doesn't keep track of the big events of life and still holds on to the small unimportant pieces of incidents. I don't remember what I did at every pujo, but I remember the flavor of the lemon leaves we used to carry during the train journey or how we often counted the number of cows on our way to Kolkata or how my grandma would be watching Pujo survey on TV while we'll be out seeing pandals. I remember the exact taste of “luchi –aloor dom” on Osthomis. And I can still feel the pace of breathing in those four lazy afternoons followed by equally busy evenings.
These are not the things I want to share or should be shared. But I feel like pouring my heart out tonight, as after a long time I feel like I can touch the feelings of that little girl that I used to be. I can hold the same dreams in my eyes as I have once done. I can believe in things that I stopped believing a long way back. And more than anything I can be a “bangali” for a few hours before I wake up tomorrow to be a “probasi bangali” again.
I don't usually miss Pujo. I don’t remember missing it ever since I left home and neither am I gonna miss it this year. But a certain video post of a Bangla song in one of my non-bong friend's wall led me to some of my old loved songs and a good hour of listening to them made me utterly nostalgic.
So I dived into my long lost memory to find out the feelings I have once felt with the first touch of Autumn. I think the first trace of Pujo always occurred with Sarodiya Magazines (Magazines published during Pujo) and frequent advertisement of Tantujo and Tantusree Sarees. Then every channel will start putting the face of the idol in corner of the screen. Pujo always brought happiness and expectations. Partly because of all the new clothes we received, but it was not just about it. The light, the joy, the glamor of the city. We knew they all came just once in a year and believe it or not when I was younger a year used to be much longer than it is now. It was also a time for vacation for us, since every year as the pujo came we would head to Kolkata from our village, which was around 4-5 hours of train journey away.
Memory is a very complicated thing. It often doesn't keep track of the big events of life and still holds on to the small unimportant pieces of incidents. I don't remember what I did at every pujo, but I remember the flavor of the lemon leaves we used to carry during the train journey or how we often counted the number of cows on our way to Kolkata or how my grandma would be watching Pujo survey on TV while we'll be out seeing pandals. I remember the exact taste of “luchi –aloor dom” on Osthomis. And I can still feel the pace of breathing in those four lazy afternoons followed by equally busy evenings.
These are not the things I want to share or should be shared. But I feel like pouring my heart out tonight, as after a long time I feel like I can touch the feelings of that little girl that I used to be. I can hold the same dreams in my eyes as I have once done. I can believe in things that I stopped believing a long way back. And more than anything I can be a “bangali” for a few hours before I wake up tomorrow to be a “probasi bangali” again.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Metaphorically speaking,
"I saw the deep vast pool of water in front of me...wanted to touch it, so dipped my toe in it...a cold feeling sent a current through my whole body making me feel fresh and sweet...I wanted to go deeper, but all I could manage was a step or two inside, because I was scared to drown...then you came along, held my hands, told me that you would help me float, led me further inside...I smiled at you and followed your lead...that silky water started to dance around me...touching my body here and there...lovely feeling, wonderful feeling...wanted to let go all of me...all of me at once, without knowing what to expect...but wait! You smiled again...I was perplexed...I asked you if would be there when I am drowned in the water till my head...you said YES in a most firm way possible...All I could think of was 'what if you don't'...what if you don't...confused in my mind I took a step back or two...water started to drip from my dress...what if you don't...I turned and ran away from the pool as fast as I could....So I ran away again..."
Saturday, June 19, 2010
The shutter clicks...(but the film never goes 'round)
In my simplistic life of certainty you are just another excuse to not move on. I realize time to time how materialistic world's liability is more than often a made-up justification I provide for my natural inclinations.
I would be here forever-constant, unchanged and continuous. That's real. When I say you make me wanna stay here, that's fake. That's Built-up so deep inside of me that distinguishing it from the reality is often impossible, even for me.
I had always stayed. I had stayed when I couldn't bear the sight of this place, I had sobbed at night and smiled painfully throughout the day. Then I had found some excitements through almost friendship and so called fun and often took refuge into nature to hide from the days of gloom and misery. I felt I should stay, because I wasn't done yet and presumably relied on what I was about to get out of it. Things changed to a horrific chapter...for a while. Still I stayed. And as things got better I begin to forget the reasons to leave.
I stayed to see me growing in here. I saw the first group of new faces, nurtured them and felt responsible for the first time. And this was a period of immense joy for me. As they grew up within themselves I was redundant again. Another set of oaths took me to....well, basically nowhere. Periods of frustration is followed by a periods of joy-always! Or the vice-versa. But either way it never let me leave anyways.
Pages of goodbye notes were piled one by one, faces were soon forgotten. But few goodbyes were still hard to accept, some because I wasn't ready for it, some because I wasn't expecting it. They reminded me of the resolution again, of the promises made to the dearest ones. For a minute or so I actually believed that I could go now. But I didn't. And soon all those faces were also forgotten along with the resolutions.
I stood still throughout the time. If I look back and think of it now it feels like I have always stayed constant, only my excuses for being so has kept on changing. For now, you seem like an acceptable excuse to me. I'll hold on to it as long as I can and once it's gone I'll pause for a while again to re-establish my deep but feeble intentions of breaking free, I'll even believe in myself for a while. And as the history repeats itself I'll be back to my regular routine within the blink of an eye with just another mark on my heart screaming out the failure I embraced again. And as hard as I try not to I'll find something else again to carry on.
I'll remain...my excuses will remain. I won't learn Spanish completely, will never finish a story, none of my poems will ever be published, won't find a friend or a lover...I will just be here as it is, as I am right now-perpetuated!
(Title based on Nada Surf's Song)
I would be here forever-constant, unchanged and continuous. That's real. When I say you make me wanna stay here, that's fake. That's Built-up so deep inside of me that distinguishing it from the reality is often impossible, even for me.
I had always stayed. I had stayed when I couldn't bear the sight of this place, I had sobbed at night and smiled painfully throughout the day. Then I had found some excitements through almost friendship and so called fun and often took refuge into nature to hide from the days of gloom and misery. I felt I should stay, because I wasn't done yet and presumably relied on what I was about to get out of it. Things changed to a horrific chapter...for a while. Still I stayed. And as things got better I begin to forget the reasons to leave.
I stayed to see me growing in here. I saw the first group of new faces, nurtured them and felt responsible for the first time. And this was a period of immense joy for me. As they grew up within themselves I was redundant again. Another set of oaths took me to....well, basically nowhere. Periods of frustration is followed by a periods of joy-always! Or the vice-versa. But either way it never let me leave anyways.
Pages of goodbye notes were piled one by one, faces were soon forgotten. But few goodbyes were still hard to accept, some because I wasn't ready for it, some because I wasn't expecting it. They reminded me of the resolution again, of the promises made to the dearest ones. For a minute or so I actually believed that I could go now. But I didn't. And soon all those faces were also forgotten along with the resolutions.
I stood still throughout the time. If I look back and think of it now it feels like I have always stayed constant, only my excuses for being so has kept on changing. For now, you seem like an acceptable excuse to me. I'll hold on to it as long as I can and once it's gone I'll pause for a while again to re-establish my deep but feeble intentions of breaking free, I'll even believe in myself for a while. And as the history repeats itself I'll be back to my regular routine within the blink of an eye with just another mark on my heart screaming out the failure I embraced again. And as hard as I try not to I'll find something else again to carry on.
I'll remain...my excuses will remain. I won't learn Spanish completely, will never finish a story, none of my poems will ever be published, won't find a friend or a lover...I will just be here as it is, as I am right now-perpetuated!
(Title based on Nada Surf's Song)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
A freaky Wednesday...
A recent survey (mainly by soumyaa) has revealed that my blogs are mostly written on Wednesday nights. And as we all know, blogs are best written when our mind is drowned in some kind of self-created sadness. Now the question is why am I always sad on Wednesdays! Is it because it's middle of the week, or is it because I was born on a Wednesday! I like to believe that it's a conspiracy created by the universe itself....however I learnt one thing from all these, a Wednesday should be dealt properly...
Today started like any other day. I woke up at 12:30 pm, unwilling to leave the bed. Dragged my body out, got ready for office...you might be thinking that it was all going so good. But something wasn't right-I was happy. And what day it was?-a Wednesday. Now, how is that possible! If you think about it, it wasn't exactly what you call impossible. It's just starting of a day, what can be wrong already! Wrong always comes late...and the happier I start, sadder I have to get at the end of it. So I planned to go through the day smoothly without creating any fuss with anyone...
How did that go? Let's see...I started with my work at office, as usual. Put on the music (it's in my fon nilesh, so not against compliance) and concentrated to the monitor...10 mins...I needed to get a cup of coffee...Aah, coffee felt good at that time of the day, it always does...with the taste of coffee still in my mouth, I started to work again...15 mins...I was bored. I went around, talked to people (clearly I made their day; you are welcome amigos)...came back to my dear pc again and started to work...30 seconds...it's time to play scavenger hunt..I mean nobody had started yet, but taking the initiative and looking for team-mates beforehand is always a good idea. I believe I inspired people there...because when I was sitting at a corner looking out for my team-mates, they were doing pretty fine out there gathering all the stuffs they required (proud of you guys). We won the second prize! :-)
So what next-work? Nah, not yet...we still had the scoring meet. Guys, I still got some games to play. I won again (like it needed saying). This time it was some game about tabooed words. After distributing half of the won chocolates to team-mates and stealing rest half (just kidding, there are no chocolate in my drawer) I came back to work. This time I actually did.
I am not good at describing events (why am I still doing it then? It's MY blog, I can do whatever I want), so I'll jump through the one hour call and some pretense of work and directly come to 10 pm. I had to leave by 10:30 and universe had not stricken yet. I thought of finishing my work first and send something to please my client for the day. Riddha caught me (hope he doesn't have copy right against using his name). And third win of the day-sort of. I rescued humanity and saved Riddha from a most-probably-Chinese lady (I am not racist). Although I would always be known as Umpire or Empire (i.e. american for ‘I am payel’) from then on, but it felt good to be useful for once. (did I say once? I mean I am always useful).
So that was pretty much my office today...when I left at 10:40 totally forgetting to please my client, I knew something was in universe's mind for the last part of the night...
It wasn't...it went pretty smooth in fact! And now here I am at 3 am in the...well, lets stick to night only...so 3 am in the night writing about my freaky Wednesday, where nothing, nothing at all went wrong. Creepy, huh!
I wrote this blog to prove a point to myself and the followers (both forced and willing) that a good blog never comes out of a happy mind! So what say guys? :-D
Today started like any other day. I woke up at 12:30 pm, unwilling to leave the bed. Dragged my body out, got ready for office...you might be thinking that it was all going so good. But something wasn't right-I was happy. And what day it was?-a Wednesday. Now, how is that possible! If you think about it, it wasn't exactly what you call impossible. It's just starting of a day, what can be wrong already! Wrong always comes late...and the happier I start, sadder I have to get at the end of it. So I planned to go through the day smoothly without creating any fuss with anyone...
How did that go? Let's see...I started with my work at office, as usual. Put on the music (it's in my fon nilesh, so not against compliance) and concentrated to the monitor...10 mins...I needed to get a cup of coffee...Aah, coffee felt good at that time of the day, it always does...with the taste of coffee still in my mouth, I started to work again...15 mins...I was bored. I went around, talked to people (clearly I made their day; you are welcome amigos)...came back to my dear pc again and started to work...30 seconds...it's time to play scavenger hunt..I mean nobody had started yet, but taking the initiative and looking for team-mates beforehand is always a good idea. I believe I inspired people there...because when I was sitting at a corner looking out for my team-mates, they were doing pretty fine out there gathering all the stuffs they required (proud of you guys). We won the second prize! :-)
So what next-work? Nah, not yet...we still had the scoring meet. Guys, I still got some games to play. I won again (like it needed saying). This time it was some game about tabooed words. After distributing half of the won chocolates to team-mates and stealing rest half (just kidding, there are no chocolate in my drawer) I came back to work. This time I actually did.
I am not good at describing events (why am I still doing it then? It's MY blog, I can do whatever I want), so I'll jump through the one hour call and some pretense of work and directly come to 10 pm. I had to leave by 10:30 and universe had not stricken yet. I thought of finishing my work first and send something to please my client for the day. Riddha caught me (hope he doesn't have copy right against using his name). And third win of the day-sort of. I rescued humanity and saved Riddha from a most-probably-Chinese lady (I am not racist). Although I would always be known as Umpire or Empire (i.e. american for ‘I am payel’) from then on, but it felt good to be useful for once. (did I say once? I mean I am always useful).
So that was pretty much my office today...when I left at 10:40 totally forgetting to please my client, I knew something was in universe's mind for the last part of the night...
It wasn't...it went pretty smooth in fact! And now here I am at 3 am in the...well, lets stick to night only...so 3 am in the night writing about my freaky Wednesday, where nothing, nothing at all went wrong. Creepy, huh!
I wrote this blog to prove a point to myself and the followers (both forced and willing) that a good blog never comes out of a happy mind! So what say guys? :-D
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Some boring scribblings
Today I felt like writing down how I feel about some of the people I know as of now. Although there are no names mentioned, if you're reading this, then I am sure you are one of these.
A: You are my duty, I take pleasure and pride in obeying.
B: You are the guidance I am glad I ever had.
C: You are the comfort I always long for when I'm sad.
D: You are so cool that it becomes hard to live with and so fragile that it’s harder to leave.
E: You are someone I like talking to and you always make me feel important.
F: You are the only one who follows my blog without me reminding even for once. And thanks! :-)
G: I don't quite agree to what you say or think, but you always make me feel good about myself.
H: You are the only relation I ever dared to have and I'll always regret and cherish it at the same time.
I: You are the obsession I had for a week and when it was over there was nothing remaining to feel.
J: You are like the younger brother I never had.
H: You are my last hope. When the whole world has changed, I know you'll remain the same.
I: You find me funny (one of the very few), I find you talented.
J: I enjoy talking to you, but I guess you don't quite feel the same way about me.
K: You and I both think we like each other. But often our conversations stop at an awkward end.
L: You are my rare discovery, I am proud to be able to call you my friend.
M: You are very entertaining. I would never mind to stop for 10 mins to have a totally meaningless conversation with you.
N: You are hardest to work with and easiest to talk with.
O: You are a bad boyfriend...that's how I feel. (Although I am no one to judge)
P: I could never conclude if I liked you or despised you.
Q: There were times when you talked to me, when I yearned but couldn't expect anyone. I am grateful.
R: I can't stand your smugness at all...I don't know why I still do.
S: You are like a back-up crush. (Doesn't make any sense? )
T: I admire you and will always do.
U: I can never forgive you, because when you were done playing your game, I had to clean up your mess.
V: I feel pathetic when I say I like you, because you don't know I exist.
W: You are the first ideal man in my life.
X: As always X is unknown. And in my case X doesn't exist. Because X is the love of my life. And Knowing me I can be sure that it will never exist.
(addition after few reactions)
Y: You (plural) read this whole bolg and actually found it enjoyable.
Z: You dislike all my blogs (as you have clicked the dislike button) and I don't know who you are! :-|
Well, if you are still reading it without getting bored in the middle, then please tell me your name, I may have to add a separate line for you.
A: You are my duty, I take pleasure and pride in obeying.
B: You are the guidance I am glad I ever had.
C: You are the comfort I always long for when I'm sad.
D: You are so cool that it becomes hard to live with and so fragile that it’s harder to leave.
E: You are someone I like talking to and you always make me feel important.
F: You are the only one who follows my blog without me reminding even for once. And thanks! :-)
G: I don't quite agree to what you say or think, but you always make me feel good about myself.
H: You are the only relation I ever dared to have and I'll always regret and cherish it at the same time.
I: You are the obsession I had for a week and when it was over there was nothing remaining to feel.
J: You are like the younger brother I never had.
H: You are my last hope. When the whole world has changed, I know you'll remain the same.
I: You find me funny (one of the very few), I find you talented.
J: I enjoy talking to you, but I guess you don't quite feel the same way about me.
K: You and I both think we like each other. But often our conversations stop at an awkward end.
L: You are my rare discovery, I am proud to be able to call you my friend.
M: You are very entertaining. I would never mind to stop for 10 mins to have a totally meaningless conversation with you.
N: You are hardest to work with and easiest to talk with.
O: You are a bad boyfriend...that's how I feel. (Although I am no one to judge)
P: I could never conclude if I liked you or despised you.
Q: There were times when you talked to me, when I yearned but couldn't expect anyone. I am grateful.
R: I can't stand your smugness at all...I don't know why I still do.
S: You are like a back-up crush. (Doesn't make any sense? )
T: I admire you and will always do.
U: I can never forgive you, because when you were done playing your game, I had to clean up your mess.
V: I feel pathetic when I say I like you, because you don't know I exist.
W: You are the first ideal man in my life.
X: As always X is unknown. And in my case X doesn't exist. Because X is the love of my life. And Knowing me I can be sure that it will never exist.
(addition after few reactions)
Y: You (plural) read this whole bolg and actually found it enjoyable.
Z: You dislike all my blogs (as you have clicked the dislike button) and I don't know who you are! :-|
Well, if you are still reading it without getting bored in the middle, then please tell me your name, I may have to add a separate line for you.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
FEAR
Another morning, another day
And I'm scared
I'm scared of the first sunlight that touches my face and licks my arms a little
I'm scared of the honk that was made before I woke
I'm scared of the sudden hissing noise from the oven
I'm scared of my next door neighbour, who spits on my door and looks at me in a weird way
I'm scared of walking down the road behind my house, especially in a rainy day or when there's too much sun
I'm scared of the smile that I put on everyday, and scared of loosing it once in a while
I'm scared of that fat lady who once told me that I was wrong-what if she's right!
I'm scared of the fight that never occurred and the one I can't visualize
I'm scared of my tears and scared that would stop one day
I'm scared of being too close to you
I'm scared of you and scared of me...
I'm scared of the obvious loneliness implied by the fear of intimacy
I'm scared of being known, so as not to be judged and I am the one who judge myself most
I'm scared to be the odd one out...
I'm not scared of the nights though
Nights are all mine....
The almost silence, the distant sound of dogs barking, the hint of chilliness, the sense of world being in sleep, the reminiscing of memories, the being alone-ness (not loneliness)-they are all mine. And all through the night I keep wondering how wrong it would be to run away from this constant fear of the day, while waiting for the cruel sun again.
And I'm scared
I'm scared of the first sunlight that touches my face and licks my arms a little
I'm scared of the honk that was made before I woke
I'm scared of the sudden hissing noise from the oven
I'm scared of my next door neighbour, who spits on my door and looks at me in a weird way
I'm scared of walking down the road behind my house, especially in a rainy day or when there's too much sun
I'm scared of the smile that I put on everyday, and scared of loosing it once in a while
I'm scared of that fat lady who once told me that I was wrong-what if she's right!
I'm scared of the fight that never occurred and the one I can't visualize
I'm scared of my tears and scared that would stop one day
I'm scared of being too close to you
I'm scared of you and scared of me...
I'm scared of the obvious loneliness implied by the fear of intimacy
I'm scared of being known, so as not to be judged and I am the one who judge myself most
I'm scared to be the odd one out...
I'm not scared of the nights though
Nights are all mine....
The almost silence, the distant sound of dogs barking, the hint of chilliness, the sense of world being in sleep, the reminiscing of memories, the being alone-ness (not loneliness)-they are all mine. And all through the night I keep wondering how wrong it would be to run away from this constant fear of the day, while waiting for the cruel sun again.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Stuck in Goa: Day Two
I am sitting by the pool tonight, alone again, naturally. There is no one else other than security gurds. I know I should also go back and get some sleep before I wake up again to catch my morning flight. But few more minutes, just a few more minutes...
Today was different. Today we went to a different beach, stayed there for an hour, then went to some nice fort-like place and finally to a cruise. The events were pretty good, but something was missing, and that something got me thinking...
But more on that later. I'll catch some sleep now and next stop Mumbai. :-)
Today was different. Today we went to a different beach, stayed there for an hour, then went to some nice fort-like place and finally to a cruise. The events were pretty good, but something was missing, and that something got me thinking...
But more on that later. I'll catch some sleep now and next stop Mumbai. :-)
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Stuck in Goa: Day One
The rythmic sound of the waves in regular interval feels good on ear now. It's past 2 am. The beach is still full of artificial belongings of the shops nearby, but it's much less crowded and much more pleasant than what I experienced during day.
It was a long day! A long day since the moment i left my apartment to reach airport. The coffee at airport cafe, the first meeting with the unknowns, the 1 hour journey-everything seem like ages back now.
I had a total amount of 2 hours of sleep for the whole day. But unfortunately that's not the only reason for the day being so long. It's more of the fact that in last one & half year i never went to a trip where i'm not the planer. Moreover for this trip the planer having completely different view of having fun than me, made this day so much longer than usual.
But I always look forward to meet new people and every experience is precious to me. So this trip might become even a special one to me.
Meanwhile, i left the beach, reached hotel and placed myself carefully on the comfortable bed. So I'll sleep off now. Tomorrow i might write some more.
It was a long day! A long day since the moment i left my apartment to reach airport. The coffee at airport cafe, the first meeting with the unknowns, the 1 hour journey-everything seem like ages back now.
I had a total amount of 2 hours of sleep for the whole day. But unfortunately that's not the only reason for the day being so long. It's more of the fact that in last one & half year i never went to a trip where i'm not the planer. Moreover for this trip the planer having completely different view of having fun than me, made this day so much longer than usual.
But I always look forward to meet new people and every experience is precious to me. So this trip might become even a special one to me.
Meanwhile, i left the beach, reached hotel and placed myself carefully on the comfortable bed. So I'll sleep off now. Tomorrow i might write some more.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
What a waste! :-D
In my 23 years I have done 230 years of thinking and now I feel like an old shit! And of course, my head hurts.
So today I want to give my brain a rest, or whatever is there in place of it. But I simply don't know how...
Tell me how do you stop your head from thinking...I tried to count numbers, then count them backwards and even counted them in Spanish. But after a while it all becomes monotonous and my brain jumps back to thinking again.
So if you come across my blog, could you please answer this question for me ‘how do you stop your head from thinking?’
So today I want to give my brain a rest, or whatever is there in place of it. But I simply don't know how...
Tell me how do you stop your head from thinking...I tried to count numbers, then count them backwards and even counted them in Spanish. But after a while it all becomes monotonous and my brain jumps back to thinking again.
So if you come across my blog, could you please answer this question for me ‘how do you stop your head from thinking?’
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Screw this
I am bored...bored of every word I've spoken so far; bored of the letters I scribbled down here; bored of the thoughts that I adhered once and then rewritten by another one; I am bored of finding meaningless meanings to life. Because at the end none of them really matters.
My friend says, 'burn your words, murder your stories'. Maybe that's what is needed. Just getting your ass out there and to live it. Stop blabbering about things you never felt. But be it. What you write, what you think is all wrong. If you were living it, you might not have to think after all. All philosophies should be removed from the pages that were wasted on it and make it real. Reality doesn't need a philosophy. Reality doesn't need anything, but just you, and me.
I wish I was an influential leader and my words could change a person's heart, his thinking. But I'm not. I wish I was a writer and people would read me with a ‘aww’ and consider me creative. I'll never be that. I wish I was a good friend to whom every friend could rely with their pains. I don't know how to be that. I am not even Julie Powell. All these letters, all these words-they are just mine. They will always be just mine. In fact time will even take me away from them. I won't recognize them anymore. Then why? Why this and why not just asking myself, who am I!
Who am I...
Who am I...
I am an ordinary girl in a big city, fighting everyday to believe that I'm worth!
My friend says, 'burn your words, murder your stories'. Maybe that's what is needed. Just getting your ass out there and to live it. Stop blabbering about things you never felt. But be it. What you write, what you think is all wrong. If you were living it, you might not have to think after all. All philosophies should be removed from the pages that were wasted on it and make it real. Reality doesn't need a philosophy. Reality doesn't need anything, but just you, and me.
I wish I was an influential leader and my words could change a person's heart, his thinking. But I'm not. I wish I was a writer and people would read me with a ‘aww’ and consider me creative. I'll never be that. I wish I was a good friend to whom every friend could rely with their pains. I don't know how to be that. I am not even Julie Powell. All these letters, all these words-they are just mine. They will always be just mine. In fact time will even take me away from them. I won't recognize them anymore. Then why? Why this and why not just asking myself, who am I!
Who am I...
Who am I...
I am an ordinary girl in a big city, fighting everyday to believe that I'm worth!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
My secret fantasies...
The beauty of any secret is the secrecy of it. It's nothing special, it's just like any other incident. But since it can not be told, it gets interesting. And when it's told, it feels like you lost something very dear of yours.
And so is a fantasy…well almost! A fantasy stays afar, something unachievable. It's something what you wish to find, plan on enjoying when you receive. But when you're there, when it's all clear and you can just pick it up and do anything you want with it, you simply have nothing at all. And you realize you never had anything to do with it at the first place. You just thought you want it, but in reality you want it to be a fantasy only.
I had this black bird,
coming to my dream every night...
It was black and glossy,
it was beautiful!
I fed it, I talked to it,
I spent my evenings by the river
with my dear little bird…
But it'd be gone in the morning
driven by the merciless Sun.
I wanted it throughout my days,
I wanted it so bad I would cry
And every night I would dream the same...
I met you on my way home, little darling!
You're just the little bird,
I had seen every night.
So, did the dream come true?
But I don't know now what to do.
Feeding you doesn't feel so great,
Talking to you makes no sense at all...
By the river there's a playground,
I could play…
Where did the fantasy go away?
Oh my little black bird,
go back to the land you came from,
go back to the fantasy I yearn!
And so is a fantasy…well almost! A fantasy stays afar, something unachievable. It's something what you wish to find, plan on enjoying when you receive. But when you're there, when it's all clear and you can just pick it up and do anything you want with it, you simply have nothing at all. And you realize you never had anything to do with it at the first place. You just thought you want it, but in reality you want it to be a fantasy only.
I had this black bird,
coming to my dream every night...
It was black and glossy,
it was beautiful!
I fed it, I talked to it,
I spent my evenings by the river
with my dear little bird…
But it'd be gone in the morning
driven by the merciless Sun.
I wanted it throughout my days,
I wanted it so bad I would cry
And every night I would dream the same...
I met you on my way home, little darling!
You're just the little bird,
I had seen every night.
So, did the dream come true?
But I don't know now what to do.
Feeding you doesn't feel so great,
Talking to you makes no sense at all...
By the river there's a playground,
I could play…
Where did the fantasy go away?
Oh my little black bird,
go back to the land you came from,
go back to the fantasy I yearn!