Just about a chat friend...

In a country like India, leaving home for your ambition or dream is not very easy. And it's even harder when your home is safe enough to keep you away from the world outside untill the point comes when you finally decide to hit the open road all by yourself. And when you first face the world completely by your own you feel defeated, lost and alone. Those are the first few tough days of your journey. For some it's just a few days, for some it's weeks, for some months and for some even more I guess.
When I was first out of my home I can't remember how many days it took me to stabilize myself. I somehow made it through. And now it's been two and a half years I'm out of home. And now that I have time & right peace of mind to look back at the time & wonder, I realize there were so many people who helped me through that time.
Searching through the old mails surprisingly I found one of them-my first chat friend. He not only stood by me on every silly doubt of mine, he also made it so easier to take whatever odds came in my way. But through the quest of happier time he was forgotten. He was lost from my life all & for ever. May be it's because he's just a chat friend and because of the fact that I hardly ever realized that at the other end of the line a heartbeat's going on, it was so easy to erase him from my life without a second thought. But to be honest looking back at then now I don't feel guilty. Instead I feel lucky to get a friend like that at any point of my life. And after all you can't move on in your life along with every single person you care for. Coz life is like a journey where everyone has the same destination but each one finds a different way to reach it.
All you can do is keep the memory alive inside you. And digging that memory I can tell one thing to him -"Dear friend I still remember you and I'll always remember how much we meant to each other".

moment of truth....

One night you go to bed & next morning you find everything has changed- It happens. I have seen it happening. Just a night & sometimes even just a moment can shatter the base of your whole life.
I know tonight can be one of those for me. Tomorrow's sun can bring so many unwanted & never expected things. Just a number in the morning news of tomorrow can bring my whole world upside down. But I am so numb and I bet I am gonna sleep tight & have those sweet dreams just like any other calm nights. Because somehow it doesn't matter to me. Somehow being nothing is even more exciting to me than being something what is appreciated by others but not me. Sometime failure is much more pleasant than being a winner by loosing everything that matters. I may sound crazy. In fact I do & moreover I am. But tomorrow when everything will be stable and I'll be as okay as I am now, this moment of crazy truth shouldn't be lost. At least it should remain on these pages!

Friday Night Highway

I was staring at the highway from our balcony-9th floor balcony. Thousands of lights were driving along the way...continuousely, without any break. Thousands of lights with even more lives inside. They were all heading to some destination. For some it's everyday's routne, for some it's a detour from the regular job. Everyone with some different thoughts, different emotion. I couldn't see their faces, I coudn't see them at all. All I could see were the lights. And they were making a beautiful scene of a busy Mumbai road, hiding a loads of human emotions behind them. Emotions, which might be even more colourful than the street.
I knew what that particular moment of leisure was making me feel, is not gonna last long. Soon I will be also a part of that same crowd and just like everyone else I'll sink in my own thoughts ignoring everyone & everything around. I learnt one thing in past few months- when a huge number of people together make a crowd, every individual of the crowd actually become disconnected from it. Each one is just another face to everyone else. No one is bothered about others. No one cares what the other thinks. And yet they all together make a crowd!!! Right now I am one of them---

“Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before

And we'll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow”
(Del Amitri-Nothing Ever Happens)

Visiting Home

It's been four days since my small visit to home. Not too long....but not too less either. When I look back to last sunday, the day before I left for Mumbai again, I realize that I was afraid of something without knowing what it was. In a bigger sense it looked like I was afraid of coming back, but I couldn't (or didn't try to) analyze the reasons behind it. But somebody just told me “to win a fear, you first need to give it a face”. Yeah, I admit- it's much easier to win when you know whom are you fighting with. As of now I can't tell that I won it, but at least I succeeded to develop a vague picture of my enemy.
Sometimes you need to re-visit the past to finally let it go. Or you can say it's more like a reverse psychology. When your past give a tap on your back and make you realize how close it is to you, you find moving on not such a bad idea anymore. That day sitting on flight, 35000ft above from the beautiful-and yet-scary earth, I was thinking how lucrative it was to live like old days again, to start for office everyday saying mom “ ma aschhi”, to return to the place called 'home' and speak out everything about that day to my beloved ones, to see my brother playing in comp or watching a movie together. But holding on is not that easy as it seems to. I may think of doing a lot of things to get that life back, I may even do them......but what I will end up with is hardly what I want. Life is like pawns in a chess, it has only moving forward and no coming back.