You are new...there are secrets kept from you, there are things assumed that you won't understand..worse, some of them you actually don't understand. You need to prove yourself-once again-to a new set of crowd. You need to be accepted and learn to accept. And hardest part, you need to let go the past and be a intense part of the new system.YOU- are the new kid now.
Back in school when I started my education I was a new kid, maybe along with a bunch of other new kids, but couldn't give so much of a thought back then. My first class, first teacher, first friend- Everything was introduced to me breaking the fear I was cultivating in myself against the 'new's for years. In four years time high school came into picture. And once again from the senior most students of primary school we became the junior most in our new school. And it kept continuing throughout my educational life. And every time it was as scary to me as it was at the first time.
The one I remember most was school to college. Me and my best friend back then spent an evening by the river Ganges anticipating and dreading at the same time of what tomorrow might bring to us. And then during the principals lecture on my first day of college I drooled back into the same thought and decided it's gonna be the toughest three years of my life.Turned out I was wrong. They were the best three years of my life, at least till now.
Moving to IIT was tough, but fear didn't play so much at that time. It was more of the grief of leaving home and family and the beloved friends. IIT stands for a lot of things to me-sometimes the beauty of it, sometimes the frustration I had to go through, sometimes the freedom, sometimes the unwanted changes and so many other things-all at the same time. End of IIT brought new hope. A job! and a new fear-A job at Mumbai!
The last few days at home before leaving for Mumbai was full of doubts and confusions. And although I got to spend only a handful of days at home, it felt like ages. It was a big phase for me. And it wasn't just over when I started with my job. To be honest it became even scarier. I remember I felt like crying, but wasn't sure if I was supposed to.
On the day of our induction, which went for almost 5-6 hours I was sitting in that NESCO conference room along with 14-15 other new joinees and was feeling like grabbing all my stuffs and just running away from that place. I didn't. And I still don't know whether it would have been a big mistake to do so.
The job didn't trouble much. But the surrounding did....the crowd of Mumbai, where no one counts, and all I was left with corporate friends. And sincerely I feel 'corporate friend' is an antonym of friend. For next two months or so I was struggling to settle down. And when I went home for the first time from Mumbai I didn't want to be back to the city,to the job, to the nothingness of my life.
But that too is now a long time back. I have evolved through time since then and there's not much I repent anymore. But then why am I reminiscing all these again?
Well, it's because I am feeling it again.
The fear, the challenge, the pretense of confidence, the fight against the change.... all of it!
Maybe it's not so prominent anymore, maybe I have learnt how to hide it in myself...but it's there within me mixed up and beating up and down to make me feel it's presence...
And all these feelings only stand for one thing- Yes, I am the new kid again!
