In my simplistic life of certainty you are just another excuse to not move on. I realize time to time how materialistic world's liability is more than often a made-up justification I provide for my natural inclinations.
I would be here forever-constant, unchanged and continuous. That's real. When I say you make me wanna stay here, that's fake. That's Built-up so deep inside of me that distinguishing it from the reality is often impossible, even for me.
I had always stayed. I had stayed when I couldn't bear the sight of this place, I had sobbed at night and smiled painfully throughout the day. Then I had found some excitements through almost friendship and so called fun and often took refuge into nature to hide from the days of gloom and misery. I felt I should stay, because I wasn't done yet and presumably relied on what I was about to get out of it. Things changed to a horrific chapter...for a while. Still I stayed. And as things got better I begin to forget the reasons to leave.
I stayed to see me growing in here. I saw the first group of new faces, nurtured them and felt responsible for the first time. And this was a period of immense joy for me. As they grew up within themselves I was redundant again. Another set of oaths took me to....well, basically nowhere. Periods of frustration is followed by a periods of joy-always! Or the vice-versa. But either way it never let me leave anyways.
Pages of goodbye notes were piled one by one, faces were soon forgotten. But few goodbyes were still hard to accept, some because I wasn't ready for it, some because I wasn't expecting it. They reminded me of the resolution again, of the promises made to the dearest ones. For a minute or so I actually believed that I could go now. But I didn't. And soon all those faces were also forgotten along with the resolutions.
I stood still throughout the time. If I look back and think of it now it feels like I have always stayed constant, only my excuses for being so has kept on changing. For now, you seem like an acceptable excuse to me. I'll hold on to it as long as I can and once it's gone I'll pause for a while again to re-establish my deep but feeble intentions of breaking free, I'll even believe in myself for a while. And as the history repeats itself I'll be back to my regular routine within the blink of an eye with just another mark on my heart screaming out the failure I embraced again. And as hard as I try not to I'll find something else again to carry on.
I'll remain...my excuses will remain. I won't learn Spanish completely, will never finish a story, none of my poems will ever be published, won't find a friend or a lover...I will just be here as it is, as I am right now-perpetuated!
(Title based on Nada Surf's Song)
1 comment:
It is hard to miss some deep rooted agony in this, although I admit I did not understood all of it. The irony is that for those who know you, you are so perfect at being perky and happy, without ever getting obnoxious or overbearing with it, that it almost always escapes us that you could have a sadness within.
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